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May 23, 2011 / quietlystrange

Breathe Me

See, I’d been trying to save this till my next episode of SI – but it seems much more apt now

Same as last time – click on the link and listen while you read….

Tomorrow I go to CASA. That is a counselling service for survivors of whatmyfatherdid and that’s what it is right now – whatmyfatherdid

And I’m so scared that tomorrow that will change. That I’ll take it apart and examine the parts and fall apart and what if I don’t come out the other side of that? How do you get through that? How do you deal? How do you survive all those years when you feel like you are still there….

Its so scary. I’m so scared of losing me. I know the current me is crap but at least it is a me – you know? I know this me – the me that glosses over it all the me that talks over it all instead of through it – and feeling that shatter even just a little is horrible. And scary.

Also doctor = blood tests= low sodium = below baseline sodium = scary there too….

Wish I knew who I was.

Breathe Me.

May 19, 2011 / quietlystrange

Here we go again….

Like it is said –“here it goes again” – so to jump in right in the middle or to give you some history or what….hmmm…I suppose if you want to know about who I am, as a person, you’d go to the “About Me” bit, wouldn’t you…
So, jump right in.

(oh first point of note – click on the link up there ^ and have that in the back ground while you read – then if nothing else you will have listened to some cool music. Also my life has a soundtrack so why shouldn’t my blog?)
As one of the people in my life who will get a suitable psudonym when my brain is up to it”This is Autumn and its the Autumn of my life” and it is, for me too.
Everything is dying and drifting away and swirling and dead, but its all in pre 1917 colour (yes there were colour motion pictures around back that far apparently) and I feel like curling up in a little burrow and hiding for the next cold, hard, difficult bit, the bit where I face reality, the bit where the cold bites deep and hurts.
But I can’t. I have to pioneer through it, trying to find a pack of fellow penguins to huddle with on my ice floe, or enough kindling to start a blaze warm enough to keep me alive.
So lets see how we go. Here is a start.
It won’t always be easy going.
It won’t always be down beat.
It may even make it to funny or passably good writing.
But wither way – I’ll be putting my words out there somewhere and someone, somewhere in the echo of time will find them and hopefully join me for a page or a sentence.

Or maybe even the whole ride. Lets see how we go.
Okay? Go.