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June 11, 2011 / quietlystrange

I don’t know if I’ve ever been good enough

as usual here

I’m exhausted. absolutely – I just want someone to want me enough to work for me? Is that selfish? wanting someone to want you so much they are in touch, they care that everyone in your life is lying to you or ignoring you, that they care that it feels like your world is caving in….

But I guess I don’t deserve that, I never have and never will.

I try to hold on so hard, I try and try but I’m never going to be enough and that hurts me so much.

I’m not good enough for him, for them, for anyone ever – they all leave and all I’m left with is the great echoing silence that is my life.

I hate this, I’m finally getting one iota of help, of hope and then the world turns around and hits me in the mouth. I swear they have meetings at night where they plan just how to screw up the next day – we’ll tell her this good thing, and this good thing then really fuck her up with this sequence of horrible events.

Its like a nightmare and I just want it to stop – I just want one person in my world to speak true and be reliable. So I can drop all the fences.

And I do not want to be a fuck buddy ever again. That hurts way to much – want to watch your world crumble have someone say they’ll wait for you till you are ready cause you are going through hell then use you as like some kind of live blow up doll, but clothed, while they masterbate. No waiting. That would imply respect wouldn’t it…and I’m certainly not worth that.

Bad out of ten tonight? 8 – not quite at SI level but pretty bloody close.

how come I feel like everyone who loves me is singing this to me…

I want to take you for granted, Yeah, I will, I will….

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