Skip to content
June 13, 2011 / quietlystrange

I can’t stop changing all the time

as per click here then come back here….

To Whom it may Concern:

Things really aren’t working out here. We have noted your concern and your express wishes that things progress acoording to your rules and standards. unfortunately we won’t be able to do that.

There really is just too much that is too different about this situation, she has come through too much to have so much so constantly held against her.

She needs some space and time to regroup and work out who she truly is as a person, to deal with her long-term on going deep-seated issues. And unless you can give her the space and time to do this then please step aside.

She really doesn’t deserve these demands from you as well as everyone else. Surely you of all people can see and understand where her head is at instead of trying to force her into little boxes, maybe just for now, let her roam free in whatever shape she chooses.

I know you can do this. I know that there is the capacity for the removal of construction and scaffolding necessary to finally fix the spreading rot underneath.

I also know that there is the capacity in you to fix this with as much disruption to normal service as is necessary.

Please, just let her be for as long as she needs to be let be.

Please let her speak as often as she needs to and hide when she can’t speak anymore.

Please leave the doors and windows open to let the weak winter light in.

And please accept she is as she is, she won’t change, she will always be this way, she can’t be any other she doesn’t need to get better she needs to learn to work with what she has. Let her love who she loves. Let her fall when she falls, let her break when she breaks, let her fear what she fears and know that always she will clean up after herself eventually.

And remember… she can’t help it.

Yours,

The Extraordinary Machine.

June 11, 2011 / quietlystrange

I don’t know if I’ve ever been good enough

as usual here

I’m exhausted. absolutely – I just want someone to want me enough to work for me? Is that selfish? wanting someone to want you so much they are in touch, they care that everyone in your life is lying to you or ignoring you, that they care that it feels like your world is caving in….

But I guess I don’t deserve that, I never have and never will.

I try to hold on so hard, I try and try but I’m never going to be enough and that hurts me so much.

I’m not good enough for him, for them, for anyone ever – they all leave and all I’m left with is the great echoing silence that is my life.

I hate this, I’m finally getting one iota of help, of hope and then the world turns around and hits me in the mouth. I swear they have meetings at night where they plan just how to screw up the next day – we’ll tell her this good thing, and this good thing then really fuck her up with this sequence of horrible events.

Its like a nightmare and I just want it to stop – I just want one person in my world to speak true and be reliable. So I can drop all the fences.

And I do not want to be a fuck buddy ever again. That hurts way to much – want to watch your world crumble have someone say they’ll wait for you till you are ready cause you are going through hell then use you as like some kind of live blow up doll, but clothed, while they masterbate. No waiting. That would imply respect wouldn’t it…and I’m certainly not worth that.

Bad out of ten tonight? 8 – not quite at SI level but pretty bloody close.

how come I feel like everyone who loves me is singing this to me…

I want to take you for granted, Yeah, I will, I will….

June 6, 2011 / quietlystrange

on my own, would you leave me alone, before i lose my mind.

here we go again….wonder if this whole music and blog thing is working or not… hmmm…

 

Yesterday I let myself be happy. Stupid, stupid girl. When am I ever going to learn that that just isn’t how my life goes.

So here I sit

and just want to curl up and hide from the world because I can’t keep loving,

because you know what,

it just hurts too much to be the constantly disappointed one,

the one who actually cares as opposed to the one who is happy to use me for nothing one day,

then the next day not give a damn if they don’t see me for however long

– because of course, none of it really mattered and it was all just words that fall into empty silence and mean less than anything else ever would….

and I end up here curled around a small ball of misery that says but he says he cares but then says you expect too much if you think he should…

and you know what he wouldn’t cry, he’ll never cry.

I doubt he’d ever notice, he’d just find a reason to make it my fault somehow and that way feel self righteous.

I was just an idiot for having a happy music day.

A happy music and hope day.

Foolish girl.

When will I ever learn to just Let Go of anything that means anything and most importantly

DON’T PLAY THIS GAME

 

June 4, 2011 / quietlystrange

Too smart to mention to you…

here

I just want somebody to love me.

For me.
To be in love with ME.

 

Real me.
Why am I worth being used then left behind….
words shatter around me and confuse and hide…
and I am alone again.
Never is a promise
And you can’t afford to lie
except they have so much to spend….

 

I don’t know what to believe in,

 

you don’t know who I am.

June 3, 2011 / quietlystrange

just thinking….

so click here

everything is in a massive fog.

what i want what i want is impossible to define this last week…too much lost time, lost space lost me in this vile illness and then the fear that brings on this.

This music. He wants. Do I? Do I? Can I? Is it realistic? and will I just end up in a puddle on the floor again just like the last times…I’m too fluid, and it hurts that he takes advantage of this….so much so….just like they all do.

 

Clouded head.

 

Clouded head.

 

Lost and fog bound.

 

You’re worth all this really?

 

you think you’re so beautiful?

May 29, 2011 / quietlystrange

Hold Your own, Know your name and Go your own way…..

As usual click hereĀ 

I’m so tired of the hurt, the feeling of alone….and it terrifying. I don’t know how to get through this alone. But alone is all I have. I cancelled my Facebook account today, its so scary watching family I’m trying to get closer to just revolving in their own world and not responding to anything I email, text or feel.

Its hard doing this so on my own, and on my own I am.

For the artist has his all so important very loud voice and slumber.

and the cool guy is going through one of those “I don’t really know what I want in my life do I want you, yes/no?!?” times

and well the little ones are too little to do anything but be scared.

And the horrible thing is if I SI its okay by everybody – if I scream and throw phones I get screamed at for expressing my pain in any way except against myself – and this is the thing its never at someone….and it just hurts so much. That I have to bleed and thats fine, but sob uncontrollably, email others for support, fling a phone at a wardrobe because no one in my family can be bothered to reply – thats not okay…

So this song is all I have. “Hold your own, Know your name and Go your own way” and how it reminds me of the actor – who I know would care if he had time, but he doesn’t have space right now in head or heart.

I just wish I knew how to get through the next bit and that it wasn’t just me and these words, just me and the music and this blog.

But I guess thats just my life.

Just details in the fabric.

 

 

 

May 26, 2011 / quietlystrange

Why?

So here we go again….

First – click here (as per usual)

I turning myself into a doormat. Shock. Horror. But choosing to. I guess its all I’m worth really.

I mean its not like any of my relationships up till this point have ended differently to that.

And see the point is – he’s worth it – so what do you do? You give them what they want and what they supposadly need and if they come back to you thats a win right?

I’m never going to be worth anything else and he is.

So thats what I do. At least then I get moments. And the moments are worth it.

mind you the pain is fairly bad, but again, isn’t that what I was made for? Not like anything I’ve ever been taught has taught me anything different.

And I swear, he is worth it. Really.

So I’ll hurt, so what.

really why should that matter? Why?